Cirrus Mercurio

Cosmic greetings sentient shifters! My name is Cirrus Mercurio and I specialise in synaptic realignment, which harnesses the positive powers and teachings of the cosmos for ideational and practical improvements and growth. Or, to put it casually, Internally Driven Cosmorphic Realignment of the Synaptic Interchange!

With over half a years experience in the fields of cosmic ordering and motivational interaction, I am meticulously qualified to bring the right attitude back into your life.

For me, life is a journey, an exciting excursion from past to future which incorporates a sense of the present. Like any other journey, sometimes things can go wrong, and whilst this can make our lives seem miserable, or even worthless, these self-same things are also the one’s that give us the sense of urgency and achievement when we make it to that final destination. Or, to use high-level metaphor, it would be fair to say that nobody ‘likes‘ to run out of gasoline mid car journey... but at the same time, one only has to imagine the incredible things that might happen on the unexpected walk to the nearest petrol station to feel a real sense of gratitude at being alive and at the level of potential the cosmos has endowed us with!

I am very much a spiritual man, and my whole life has been shaped by the faith I have. As a boy I used to weep for God, and every night when I went to sleep I would sob beneath my covers and pray so hard that one day He would enter me. No readers, don’t be saddened, for my prayers were answered. One night within my twelfth year I again said my prayers, and as I settled into the pillow for another night’s slumber I heard it – the bedroom door slowly opened, and from the blinding light came the figure of a man. He told me, Daniel (for I was christened in this world a Daniel, and cosmically reborn in later life into the Mercurio nomenclature, meaning literally “of mighty therapeutic brain fingers”) do not be afraid, and that He was of God, and had come down from the heavens to enter me (just as I had longed for). As he took my hand I submitted fully to my first religious experience, one that was frequently repeated throughout my adolescence, strengthening both my faith and my resolve to take a spiritual path in life. A fire burned within me that night, a fire that remains aflame to this day.

However, my Christian beliefs were only the beginning of my belief in what I like to call a greater Cosmic Sense. In many ways I feel as though my Christianity was eventually taken to its logical conclusion, as if I had come up against a brick wall and had nowhere left to go. I’ll try to explain. I love Christ, and not a day goes by when I don’t fall to my knees in worship of the heavenly Lord and the sacrifice he made for us all. Similarly, the key tenets of the Christian scriptures are those of unconditional love. And yet the majesty of the enormous universe is somehow a mere trifle for Christianity, and gazing at the stars and struck by the very real sense of wonder they instil within me and my life, I felt a real need to reconcile my Christian beliefs with what I consider to be the awesome power of the cosmos. In the universe I see an order and a rationality and even a tenderness all its own, untouched and incorruptible by humanity. I suppose I started to feel that the more judgemental tendencies of Judeo-Christian religions were blinding them to the power of universe, and of what the universe could do for us, with us (much as the preoccupation with life after death seemed to belittle our interactions with the cosmic guidance of the world during our lifetimes).

It was the freedom of the universe from the tainted hand of human development that I found so fascinating about the vastness of a universe still so desperately unknown. In fact, this propensity to value judgement so apparently integral to humanity, the propensity to consider ourselves to ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ ‘things’ is the very first mental blockade that cosmic realignment aims to destroy. You see, nothing is inherently (that is, in and of itself) ‘likeable’ or ‘dislikeable’ – these words are merely convenient labels borne of the primitive need for verbal communication within the evolving Homo sapiens. Such words, however, are foundational elements of the mindset of negativity that is prominent within human consciousness. In other words, our understanding, as well as our society, is built out of ideas of hatred, in itself a meaningless notion that has over time taken on a profound sense of meaning pertaining to the psychic wellbeing of individual sentients (like you or me).

Linguists have proven in experiments that the very first languages consisted of only four words:

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Like (or approve of/love [of base type]).
4. Dislike (or hate).

With this apparent simplicity of linguistic exchange, the significance of what we would now consider negative responses (for example, “I dislike this wallpaper”) become all more apparent. Dislikes were used as way of forging relationships and of constructing a sense of shared value and unity. Within early human tribes, those with shared dislikes were effectively excommunicated from early social cohesion and forced into the wilderness to form new sects of shared, conventionally disliked characteristics.

One sees, then, that not only the English language, but all language throughout history grew from a very basic need to hate, separate and segregate, which allowed smaller communities to develop within a greater whole. Language was – and still is – used to divide oneself from others, to find wrong in the alternative and equally arbitrary value judgements of others. Over time, as civilization grew and thrived, other animal instincts within the human psyche – such as the lust for sexual exchanges – were sublimated, for some reason this linguistic divider remained so enshrouded within our minds as to be, to all intents and purposes, permanent.

With language playing so central a role in our lives, I consider it not only beneficial but even essential to break it apart and to REBUILD THE ENTIRE EVOLUTIONARY PATTERNING OF HUMANKIND FROM SCRATCH! A tall order indeed, but that’s only the start.

As the name suggests, Cosmic Ordering centralizes the Cosmos within the ever-complex matrix of what I term the human intellicore synaptic mainframe (or HISM). This HISM is a central contextual core, comprising many millions of individual nodes (or human brains) which are telepathically linked to form this one perfect, wholly encompassing Mind, which is the HISM itself. In other words, every sentient human mind within the world is simply a small part of something far larger, the one true mind, if you like.

I consider the physical cosmos to be a manifestation of the immense energy generated by the HISM, whereby the sheer scale of united thought has formulated into something all together tangible. For simplicity, and in keeping with the common parlance of religious dialogue, I call this physical ‘by-product’ Father Cosmos, or Father. He represents the very essence of an excruciating hyperbeing of reasonable and reasoned structure (borne as He is of pure reason).

Thus when I refer to the Cosmos, I am not referring simply to an ‘airy fairy’ notion of positive ideation; nor, on the other hand, am I referring to a scientific blanket term for the wilds of knowable space. Instead I use the term to refer to the reasoned universal interplays within the immensity of the HISM, and the telepathic union that grows out of it.

As a practitioner of Internally Driven Cosmorphic Realignment of the Synaptic Interchange, I am interested in the formulating harmony between the often seemingly illogical human psyche and the vast ordered logic that envelopes it through the telepathic network. Central to my work is the need to accept our status as individuals making up a bigger system. However, once we have accepted the seemingly trivial futility of our lives, we can then move forwards into blissful togetherness with all of mankind, and a certain ‘oneness’ with the workings of the physical and mental universes, secure in the knowledge the illogic of mind is illusory, and in fact order, strength and cohesion and the primary facets of the human experience.

They are simple precepts, but I guarantee you that this knowledge will make a difference to your life or my name is not Cirrus Mercurio (and my name was changed by deed poll earlier this year)!

Hold on though – I can hear your questions, humming through the Cosmos, and I’ll try to address some of them here:


1. Mr Mercurio, it all sounds fascinating but what does it really mean? For me?

This is a great question, and one I’m glad to hear. Remember, sometimes it’s okay to be ignorant! Because we are dealing with a groundbreaking approach to our understanding of human existence, I really could explain these ideas all day – and I frequently do – but it might be easier if I simplify matters as best I can. The theory can come later.

So, firstly:

(a) THE WORLD IS NOT AGAINST YOU.
(b) YOU ARE ONE WITH THE WORLD.
(c) YOU HELP MAKE THE WORLD.
(d) YOU ARE THE WORLD.

However:

(e) DO NOT LABEL YOURSELF – YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT. YOU ARE NOT THE WORLD (ALTHOUGH THIS TOO IS A LABEL).
(f) YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE A HUMAN BEING, OPERATING – POSSIBLY – WITHIN WHAT WE KNOW AS EARTH.
(g) YOUR THOUGHTS REPRESENT AN INTERACTION WITH ALL OTHER THOUGHTS, AND DO SO WITHIN THE HISM.
(h) BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF HUMAN ONENESS, IT IS UP TO US TO APPROPRIATE POSITIVE MINDSETS TO INCORPORATE UTOPIATE FANTASIES WITHIN THE POWER OF THE HISM.

In short:

(i) HUMANITY IS A VAST, INTERLINKED, MULTI-EXISTING SYSTEM OF ORDER FROM WHICH IS GENERATED AN IMMENSE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION (WHICH I REFER TO AS FATHER COSMOS, BORNE OF THE HISM). THIS SYSTEM INCORPORATES ALL HUMAN LIFE, ALBEIT UNCONSCIOUSLY, AND AS A RESULT FORMS A BANK OF INCREDIBLE KNOWLEDGE. MY PRACTICE OF COSMORPHIC REALIGNMENT REUNITES OUR UNCONSCIOUS ASSOCIATIONS WITH THE REALITY OF THE HISM BY CULTIVATING THE BEST WAYS TO ASK THE COSMOS FOR THOSE THINGS YOU DESIRE FROM YOUR LIFE. AS A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL I EXTEND THIS GUARANTEE: IF YOU ASK, FATHER COSMOS WILL DELIVER (although not within a specified timeframe). I REALLY SEE MY COSMIC REALIGNMENT AS A WAY TO BRING SENSE BACK INTO THE MADNESS OF MODERN LIFE.

On an individual level, then, I believe that I can offer complete ordering of your life, in everything from financial concerns to relationship issues. Cosmic Realignment is a way to re-establish contact with a sense of something bigger, better than you currently are. In so doing it marries perfectly religion and secular perspective, providing a greater ‘spiritual’ being for worship whilst maintaining the very human essence of that self-same being (a being ‘made’ of humanity, as it were).

With my intensive three week course, your very own Cosmos will be entirely realigned, and by using groundbreaking mind massage techniques stimulated by my own patented equipment, I will return your individualistic tendencies to the reassurance of a collective.

In fact, you’ll never be alone again!


2. What are the 6 ways in which we can apply your ideas about Cosmic Realignment to our own lives?

Too tight fisted to pay for professional aid? Whilst I wouldn’t ever recommend that unqualified persons attempt any of my Cosmic Techniques without intensive instruction and research, I also accept that the more sceptical of my readers might feel reluctant to succumb to such unconventional techniques. Fortunately for the doubtful (although ultimately there is no room for the doubtful within the HISM – NO ROOM), there are a number of key ways in which we can all work on our own Cosmic Realignment every day, and in the comfort of our own homes. You should think of these more as training exercises than as Cosmic Realignment proper, ways of liberating the mind part of the way towards comparative positivity built around order and productive assertive action (PAA).

Please note: only those who complete the course will receive a personal certificate of completion, which also works as recognised confirmation of a Cosmically Aware Mindset and will give a small discount on some full priced purchases within a limited number of Mindfulness Stores nationwide.

Cirrus Mercurio’s Six Ways to Train:

1. Smile for the universe! Did you know, for every smile you perform, a typhoon doesn’t happen somewhere else? It’s true, devil!
2. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself. Exploration of private cavities is a quintessential comprehension of the beauty of cunt, and, indeed, cock. My advice is to fumble on in there: you’ve only got yourself to blame!
3. Remember, positively! It may feel like a kick in the pride, but in truth it’s probably only mild disdain.
4. True Cosmic Realignment doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in a Cosmonium Chamber™.
5. Find your cosmic fingers! Often subtly located within the intricacies of the brains own matter, the cosmic fingers are near mythical, technically false digits conjured up for the sake of word counts. They will caress you to ‘kingdom’ ‘come’! So give it a try! Just turn left after the cerebral expletive... you know it makes Edmonds!
6. Owl eye. The key to expressive demonstrative lies in the eye of the common hoe owl. Boiled down and sodomized, the universe channels through its retinas, explodes screaming from its flawed lenses. For retribution or Cosmic Realignment – Owl.

And, of course, the final question stands:


3. My Incredible Monsieur Mercurio, do you sell any products crucial to the Cosmic Realignment Process which we can purchase in the instantaneous, with the use of credit card, cash, or deceit, in aid of the one true goal of Cosmic Enlightenmental?

My fuck, I’m glad you asked, O mighty brainsacs! It so happens that I do offer the following Cosmic items, and at a discount price to limit the ill effects of their reportedly ferocious danger:

BENEVO-LANCE!

What the Cosmos? It’s... it’s...

It’s a Benevo-lance!

Ostensibly appearing as a kind of magic wand, this is very much not, and is in fact the one official and [almost] patented BENEVO-LANCE!

It’s benevolent! It’s lance-like!

It’s... Benevo-lance!

Insert three inches into your anus NOW for IMMEDIATE results!

Only benevolence could be as benevolent as the BENEVO-LANCE!

Whatever the gripe (rectal or Cosmic) – jam it up there, and bugger (literally) the prostate!

BENEVO-LANCE! The simple, use-at-home instrument of exceptional Cosmic Realignment, conjoining man and woman alike with the awesome might of the HISM!

COSMONIUM CHAMBER

Constructed out of SOLID cling film, the Cosmonium Chamber fucks credulity! A transparent dome in three dimensions, it literally encompasses the Cosmic Order of Human Unity within its confines. Sealed within the Cosmonium Chamber, the individual is literally engorged within the answers of the all-knowing, positive Cosmos. In much the way that a Christian will feel somewhere closer to God when conducting acts of prayer within the sanctuary of a church, within the Cosmonium Chamber the Cosmic Practitioner can feel truly submerged in the midst of the reassuring rationality and mental order of the concentrated HISM.

A masterpiece of inter-relational design and theory, the Cosmonium Chamber was designed specifically for the home user as the ideal complement to Benevo-lance therapy and the more structured, professional approach of my own course of Cosmic Techniques. In concurrence, the increase in PAA will be notable and help in creating a liberated world of Cosmically Aligned personages, living or dead.

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There, then, it is. My name is Cirrus Mercurio, and my quest is to help you and the world in its battle against human corruptions of inappropriate wordage and firmly bound brain response! Cosmic goodbyes to you readers, and long may you feel the explorations of my brain fingers in the fire of your souls over the vast terrain of the HISM, as my informational pamphleteering mutates in the darkness of night!